urbanTechnocrat

Shine

A couple things related to "shine" for this entry. The first being my friend has a CD called "Shine," I believe his very first CD with great house/trance/dance (whatever category you put it in) music. Next, I just read that KISS 108 DJ Chris Shine is one of Boston's most-eligible gay bachelors. I always wondered if, and had a hunch, he was gay after seeing him at FELT on Wednesdays, and alas I was on the right track. And lastly, this entry relates to shine because that's what I'm doing now... shining.

I went on a date that I didn't think was going to end up as a date. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it was kind of a "lets do this and that" without really thinking of it as a date. And it wasn't until we left were we like, "Um, we just went on a real date." LOL! And if you know me, you know that I don't like to do "dates," but there's no way that I can call this anything other than what it was.

We talked... and talked... and talked... I could have done it all night. I haven't listened to someone so intently in I don't know how long. Our talk revealed quite a few stories and we learned about each other's pasts, values, failed relationships, mistakes and lessons learned. And it only made me more interested.

I left dinner with brief kiss outside the restaurant and walked home with a warmed heart and a shining smile. It's been a long, long time... but no expectations. I've already learned that lesson more than once.

Growing up

I'm not sure what age it is that people become adults. I mean, REAL adults. Sure, the government considers us adults at 18 years old, but I'm not so sure that everyone hits adulthood at that age. Yet, with years adding on, I would assume older people would be wiser and more stable, especially with emotions and what not. but, I've found that such is not always the case.

I am tired of dealing with these types of people and the frustration it brings into my life. Tired of jealousy, tired of obsession. I am tired of having to explain myself, or be questioned about what I do with my life. I am done with trying to help those who want to help themselves stand up tall, but fall backwards on purpose. I don't want to feel obligated to spend time with people; I want to do it on my own schedule and not be guilted into anything otherwise. I don't want my phone to ring continuously at 3:30am when I am trying to sleep. I hate when the term "best friend" is thrown around as if to say I owe them something; even more so when the best friend no longer exhibits that stature. And I hate being friends with adults that act like kids. Grow up.

Is this unreasonable? I think not. However, I know I will get continued criticism. And I will get bitched out for using my personal blog as a therapeutic outlet. These are the frustrations I am tired of dealing with. And maybe if all my friends would act like adults, I wouldn't have to deal with it. Change is necessary...

Unexpected

I've been finding that the more I put effort into dating and trying to find that one special guy, the more people put me on the "denied" list. It is not too often that I meet someone and have somewhat of a spark; the past year maybe 6 total. Each one failed to progress any farther than just going out a few times or just becoming friends. I've got the "I'm moving soon" excuse so many times its like a scratched CD.

Wasn't I surprised yesterday, when I am asked to dinner, somewhat out of the blue. Now, I have had a mild interest in this guy for a little while now, but never pursued anything with it because I didn't think he was interested in anything other than being friends. And I can handle that... I'm becoming a pro. We had a great time at this little chinese restaurant around the corner from my apartment, and later had a drink at my place. We ate, we talked, we laughed, we clicked... or so I thought so. It was a nice evening.

And so today I am spending more time with him, grabbing a bite to eat and catching a movie after work. And like always, I would like to see where this goes, but I am being cautious. Though maybe it's the unexpected that could be the most surprising. I just know that I don't want to my name added to another denial list.

City of Angels, and gay men

So, January 20th I got up bright and early and dragged my ass to Logan airport for a 6+ hour flight to Long Beach, California. Ken had invited me to come along with him to the West Coast; he was giving a speech in Palm Springs and I was basically going for free. How could I say "no," right?

What a pleasure to get out of New England weather. It was sunny. It was warm. It was smoggy, but you can't really tell unless you look at the city from a distance. LOL! Anyway, we spent the day browsing the shops in West Hollywood, grabbing lunch, and then heading to Ken's friend's place. Sarah is a really cool girl, and let us stay with her for the night before heading to Palm Springs Friday morning. We had dinner with Sarah, met up with ken's friend Andy, and headed to The Abbey. What a great bar! If only Boston could think of something like this.

Friday we toured Santa Monica; shopping on the Third Street Promenade, seeing the water from Ocean Avenue. We later drove to Malibu for a burrito and then started off to Palm Springs. What Ken kept telling me was a 1.5 hour drive turned into around 4! Our poor hosts, we were cutting it close. Anyway, Ken gave a great speech to the LCR group in Palm Springs (mostly men over 55) and then we headed back tot he guest house. BEAUTIFUL! I can't even describe it. I mean, the place has an entrance to a courtyard before you even get to the house door. Anyway...

Saturday, our hosts brought us out to brunch, and Ken and I headed out to the downtown area before heading back to LA. I bought an awesome piece of art (still waiting for it to get here) and quite a few cups of coffee. Passing the wind farms on the way back to LA, we made it in about 2.5 hours to the city where we met Sarah and her boyfriend for dinner. Ken and I later went out to The Factory.

The plan was to stay up all night since our flight was so early Sunday morning. Problem was this snowstorm. JetBlue continued to tell us the flight was still on, all the way up to about an hour before scheduled take-off. Now, I'm stuck in Long Beach and JetBlue can't get me home until 3 days later at the earliest. As some of you know, I already barely worked in the month of January and asking for more days off was not going to fly. However, we managed to get a flight to JFK in NY and take the US Airways shuttle the next day. But man... what an ordeal.

In any case, pics are up (look for the album on the left) so take a peek. And if you can get to the west coast during these brutal New England winters, I definitely suggest you do so.

Back in Boston

I haven't posted much this month, and the first post of the year wasn't really a happy one. But, I am back in Boston and despite my desire to move away from this town, I really enjoyed being back.

Being in Indiana, seeing the loss of a family member... these things prompted me to start looking at things differently. Suddenly, I appreciated my friends more and realized the values of maintaining and protecting those friendships. Ken, Robert, Stephen, Josh, Paul, Jason... each one shares with me their own unique gift. And let me tell you, I didn't know how much I missed these guys in Boston until I was gone for the week.

So, the year begins with death and taxes... the only things in life you can't avoid and I manage to hit them both in the first month. My W2s should be here soon and I'm hoping to get a nice rebate; I do need to pay off this new camera I just bought. LOL.

Anyway, tangent... I'm just glad to be back in Boston where my life is more stable then I ever thought it had been, where friends bring a smile to my face, and where new adventures await.

Grandhappy

Today is January 9, 2005. Within the new hours of this day, my grandfather passed away. Grandhappy was the name I gave him when I was a little kid. I was supposed to be calling him Grandpappy, but I guess I couldn't say that when I was little. And the name stuck and was passed on.

I arrived in Evansville Saturday afternoon after trekking from Boston and through Chicago. I don't think the severity of everything had hit me yet. I found out on Wednesday that things were going down hill, and fast and I didn't expect him to still be alive by the time I got there... but he was.

The last time I saw my grandfather, it was 1998 at my high school graduation. He was happy and healthy. A little over 6 years later, his life changed drastically. He developed Alzheimer's and suffered from dementia. It really took over the past two years. My father had come to see him, and called him almost every day to make sure he was still doing well. My aunt from Chicago came down on a regular basis to take him out and make sure he was getting good care. But suddenly, last week, his health just diminished.

I didn't even recognize him when I walked into the room. He was lying in bed with his eyes barely closed and his mouth wide open. He was taking a breath MAYBE every 5 seconds. He was emaciated; you could see every bone and muscle in his neck, arms... he looked like he came straight out of a horror movie. It was very, very sad...

Everyone in the family was around, holding his hand, talking to him. We don't know if he could hear us, or even know if any one was there at all... but we all knew that if he could, even if that there was that very remote chance, he was definitely happy to have us at his side. It wasn't that many hours after I arrived that death started to take over. He toes became blue, then purple... his fingers did the same. His breathing was getting even slower. And at 1:30am, Sunday, January 9, 2005, his eyes opened real wide, his mouth closed, and he took two final breaths... ... ... Grandhappy was gone.

This was only my second experience with death, and the first time I had ever watched anyone die right in front of me. To see him like that I think will only haunt my memories, but I am at least glad that I made it out while he was still with us.

Death is one of those things that we all know is coming, but never expect. Something that we can't defeat yet can never really be prepared for. Losing Grandhappy has made me evaluate what some of the important things in my life are. It's not how much money I make or where I travel to or who is friends with whom... it's about the people that I love. I can only hope that the day that I die, the people that I love will be there for me just as they were for Grandhappy.