urbanTechnocrat

Confusion

Let me preface the following by saying this entry is not rooted in bitterness or anger, at all. It's more questioning and confusion.

Picture this: Boston, November 2003. What seems to be a great relationship with the person I am in love with suddenly ends for no particular reason; or rather because he felt like he needed to see if he could live without being dependent on a relationship. While I didn't understand why it was happening, there was nothing I could do about it. Time marched on, he quickly marched on without me, and I had to pick up my bags and ship off to start life anew.

Fast forward to a little over a year later. We are friends now and have managed to build a friendship out of the 2 years we were together. We talk about everything these days, including our lives and our relationships. I have always been supportive and that will never change. But, when I hear things like "I don't like being lonely" and "I need someone there to support me" or "There aren't any normal guys out there" I have to bite my tongue. I feel like saying, "Um, you left that." One part of me wants him to regret or question the decision he made back then; the other part of me feels bad and tries to offer helpful advice.

I guess I'm just confused. I was loving, supportive, appreciative, gracious... I took care of things so he wouldn't have to worry about them. I supported him in his job, with his family. These new guys he tells me about? Nada. They're selfish, they lie, are disrespectful. To see him up in arms over people that treat him like crap doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, it doesn't have to make sense to me. But, how can you complain when you left someone who gave you everything you're now complaining about?

Regardless, I still care about him and want to see the best for him. I will never be anything but supportive. And even though I question things sometimes, it hasn't changed anything. If it isn't going to be with me, the best I can hope for is someone who will treat him just as good, or better. And I will never let him settle for anything less.

Marriage Equality

I can't believe that we are still having this argument in Massachusetts. Since May of 2004, thousands of same-sex couples have been married in the Commonwealth. The apocalypse predicted by religious and right-wing conservaties never happened and people are living their lives as they always have. Straight families haven't been harmed, gay families have been strengthened... and the fabric of cultural differences in America has been weaved even tighter.

Therefore, it doesn't make sense to me why Mitt Romney, the Governor of Massachusetts, continues to make this a topic of debate as he travels across the country. He must recognize that the sky hasn't fallen and no one is being hurt by providing everyone the right and opportunity to get married. Yet, he continues to criticize the interpretation of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court in order to boost his own political aspirations. Read this article from this week's Boston Globe to get a sense of his rhetoric. To continue to promote inequality for the sake of political aspirations is beyond me.

Massachusetts is definitely the state to watch during this debate. Although same-sex marriage is legal right now, there is a constitutional amendment pending in the state legislature that would put a question to ban gay marriage out to vote in 2006. State lawmakers are trying to nudge around the discussion to avoid bringing it back to the table. And a recent poll found that more than 50% of Massachusetts residents surveyed opposed the idea of the state legislature placing a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage on the 2006 election ballot.

There is so much work to be done in this country regarding this debate. But, things are progressing. We have people on our side, and we now have precedent on our side. Check out a website started by Margaret Cho (http://www.loveisloveislove.com/) about things going on nationally. And MassEquality.org will keep you posted on the goings-on in Massachusetts.

Addictions

Hello, my name is Gary and I'm a shopoholic. Hello, my name is Gary and I'm a technology freak. Hello, my name is Gary and I'm addicted to companionship.

The first step is acknowledging you are an addict. Today, I spent $30 on oil at Williams-Sonoma, bought a new computer, and sulked because I'm sick and there is no one to take care of me. I didn't need any of the things I bought, and I shouldn't need someone around for me to be happy. But, I do... and all tthese hings are addictions I need to get over.

Since I'm sick and it's 11:30p, I just realized I probably shouldn't be staying up late to expound on these addictions and my lack of desire to fix them. They may be unhealthy, but I have a house of cool shit, most of the gadgets I'd ever want, and the longing to be in a long-term relationship with someone that loves me and that I can love back even more.

Maybe these addictions aren't so bad after all... just don't look at my stack of bills. LOL

Going nowhere fast

I need some time to rant... When I was editor-in-chief of The Wentworth Transcript (my college newspaper) I wrote a column on this, but I think it deserves another round of attention.

The MBTA E train on the Green Line. I do not understand why the T treats this line as the ugly stepchild of the transit system. I have been taking the T for almost 7 years now and the E line is consistently given the worst service.

Today, for example. I get to Boylston T stop to grab an E train to Prudential to go to work. As I was going down the stairs, I saw an E train heading out. Now, since there are 3 other lines on the green line, I would have expected the 4th train (if this were logical) to be another E train. Um, not so.... First there was a B train, another B, a D, a C, another D, another B, and finally an E. I do not understand the logic. Not only does the train not come with frequency, but usually when it does, it is packed because everyone needs to cram on when they see one, never knowing when the next E train will arrive.

Now, for those of you not from Boston, the E train goes from downtown and then on down Huntington Avenue. Huntington Avenue is home to a number of colleges (Northeastern University with approximately 20,000 students, Wentworth, Mass College of Pharmacy, and others), tourist attractions like the Prudential Center, Symphony Hall, Museum of Fine Arts, Isabella Stuart Gardner Museum, and world-class hospitals and medical research centers in the Longwood Medical Area. There are many schools, jobs, and attractions to which people need to take the train. And yet, what may be one of the most crowded lines, is also the most neglected.

It's even worse when you are heading back from Huntington Avenue to downtown. None of the stops on the E line have turnstiles or token booths. You must pay with cash, a token or a pass as you get on the train. You can also only enter and exit through the front door of the train. You pretty much go nowhere fast as you wait in line to cram into a crowded train. There is a real need, at least at Prudential, to have turnstiles so that people can pay before boarding the train and then get on/off with much more ease.

I don't expect much to be done about this, ever... but that's why I avoid the green line any time that I can. It should really be re-colored to yellow, corresponding to it's slow moving. But anyway, end of rant.

Velvet Rope

So last Sunday I had a blast from the past... one of my good friends from high school had emailed me. We haven't seen each other or talked in about 7 years. Turns out, he's a big homo like the me and the rest of us in high school (I think I'm up to 5 confirmations) although no one was officially "out" at the time. In any case, we caught up Monday after a 2+ hour phone conversation. And he'll be visiting the city with his sister this coming Thursday. Watch out Boston, country boys are on the loose!!!

Anywho, him and I were HUGE Janet Jackson fans... actually, still are. The last time we saw each other was at Janet's Velvet Rope tour. I was already living in Boston, but we met in Poughkeepsie and took the train to NYC to go to Madison Square Garden... we plopped ourselves three rows back from the stage. Our second concert together (the first was at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center to see the "janet. world tour" and where we met Janet's husband who gave us front-row tickets) we made it on HBO; I have the DVD if you want to see my cute 18-year old face.

back to the point of this post... "Velvet Rope" is the best Janet album; any tried and true Janet fan will tell you that. Velvet Rope was also the album I listed to most at the end of high school when I was going through my coming out process. The album was Janet's most personal and at the same time, the most revealing for me. Soooo many songs I could relate to: You, Velvet Rope, Free Xone, Together Again, Special, Accept Me...

The most telling lyrics have always stuck with me since hearing it the first time:

This special need, that's within us
Brings out the best, yet worst in us
Follow the passion that's within you
Living the truth will set you free.

We have a special need to feel that we belong.
Come with me inside, inside my velvet rope.

Take what you want from it, but you can't argue with the fact that living the truth WILL set you free. And so that's my advice to all of you out there who have yet to come out to friends, or family, or whoever. Getting that weight off your shoulders and living a life of truth will have you walking past that velvet rope in no time.

Yeahhhh

So, I finally figured out how to post video on here... I hope it works for everyone and if so, there will definitely be more videos.

Anyway, on my way to Izzy's birthday party with Stephen and Robert, I had my camera out and was fooling around with it. It ended up on video mode and Robert played it up a little for the camera. LOL!! See below (it's about 3MB, but cute... so wait for it). If you can't see it, click here.

How would you feel? How would you know?

One of my favorite songs these days is How Would U Feel (Peter Rauhofer Remix) by David Morales with Lea-Lorién. You can hear it at most clubs and on my new favorite CD (well, for the moment) Ultra.Dance 06. I saw Lea-Lorién perfom this song live at The Roxy on New Years Day (WOW!) and continue to listen to it repeatedly. The song has a catchy beat and a chorus that is sung over and over and over and over again, but the first phrase is pretty thought-provoking:

Do you feel you're in a dream?
Is it real or hardly what it seems?
Can your heart decide the game?
Do you stay or burn me in your flame?

Then, the main chorus kicks in:

How would you feel? How would you know
If it was truly love?

And I guess that IS the question: How do you know? When do you know? Is your heart aflutter from the newness of someone in your life or is it more involved then that? Sorting out those emotions and getting it right is pivotal to building a long-lasting, loving relationship. As I have learned since I started dating, there is a difference in loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone. And as the next phrase suggests, there are things that may happen when you know you are IN love:

Did you sleep or did you hardly eat?
Could you breathe when you were next to me?
Did a song remind you of my smile?
Did my scent just linger on for a while?

Seems simple... but those little things like laying awake at night thinking of him, feeling breathless in his presence, being reminded of him through everyday occurences, feeling close to him after smelling his scent on your pillow... is that how you know? Emotional and physical responses of joy from stimuli caused by/related to the person have got to be a sure sign that something is going on in your heart.

I've been in love twice. And each time, it wasn't right away that I knew I was both in loved and loved back. Sometimes it takes loving someone for a little while to fall IN love with them. There is no schedule. And it's not always a loving gaze into the other's eyes, either. It could be something as simple as waking up on a cold morning with their arms wrapped around you, or getting a surprise poem, opening your bag to find a little note, a dining room filled with 365 candles on your 1st anniversary, or even just a hug when you need it the most. All simple, yet telling.

And if it IS truly love, how will you feel? HOW will you KNOW? From my experience... you just know.

Cupid, Part II

Wow... what a crazy day. Almost everyone I've talked to is in a bad mood. All because of Valentine's Day. In the middle of February you've got a bunch of people either ecstatic or pissed off. There rarely is an in-between.

And then you have the people who don't understand that not everyone thinks the day is a big deal. It's even better when they slam you and, in no uncertain terms, basically tell you to "fuck off" because they have "earned their stripes" from being jaded and bitter the past few years (resulting from a lack of dating). Somehow, they now think that it is OK and appropriate to deflect all that anger onto other people instead of using it to focus on and improve themselves. Maybe then would they not be sitting home alone on the 14th of February. Channel the energy into something constructive, instead of something destructive. The laughable part is when these people attempt to deflect it onto someone that doesn't care. What a waste of time that could have been put to better use.

<sigh> People in this world never cease to amaze me. But I've got to admit... it keeps me highly entertained.

For the history of Valentine's Day, check out the History Channel.

Cupid

It's the wee hours of Valentine's Day, a day that you either love or hate. I am awake because I just got home from spending yet another awesome day with Eric. I need to wind down and get rid of this euphoric state I'm in... otherwise, I'll be awake all night. I don't know how he manages to make me this happy, this excited...

Oops... I got sidetracked. It's Valentine's Day. I'm not officially dating anyone so its basically a lost cause for me. And though it's not a day I am dreading, it's not one I really want to hear about either. So, my friend Maia sent me this Valentine's Day poem just a few days ago. It's a little harsh for those of you that adore this day, and I don't necessarily subscribe to its message, but it's still hilarious.

"Fuck Valentine's Day"

Hearts and roses and kisses galore
What the hell is all this shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
Its definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
and wear black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
for all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow that Cupid shot me must not have hit
because I think that love is a crock of shit
So here is my story what else can I say?
Love bites my ass!  Fuck Valentine's Day!

And with that I am off to bed... and in the morning the rest of the day will be like any other Monday. Would I love to be spending another special day with someone? Sure... But, I'm not going to let the fact that my Valentine's Day consists of work and laundry get to me. Really, I'm not.

Different kinds of happiness

happiness (noun), def. - A condition of supreme well-being and good spirits.

For me, it seems that there are a few different areas where I define happiness: with myself, with friends, and with someone I have interest in or am dating. In each situation, a different kind of happiness can be evoked. With myself, it is more based on accomplishments, either at work or home. With my friends, it's that feeling of camaraderie, implied sense of trust, and overall good times spent together. And in being in a relationship with someone, a different level of happiness is invoked from the intimacy, comfort-level, trust, emotional connection (etc, etc...) shared between us.

Last night, I spent the evening with my friends. It was Izzy's birthday and we were going to dinner and out to Embassy to dance afterward. The dynamic between all of us was so natural; nothing was forced. And that's how it should be. I was in a state of happiness with my friends. I honestly haven't hit that level in a while, so I was glad to be reminded about what it feels like. I haven't known most of my friends for very long; being with Nick, I didn't really go out and socialize much on my own, something I regret. Not because I was missing something, but because I now realize that it is also important to foster other relationships outside of the person you are dating (and by other relationships, I mean friendships). But regardless of the amount of time I have known them, I have come to find they are good people. And though we have innocent fun with judging others (in jest, of course), we never have judged each other. All of us are completely different in appearance, personality, character, etc... but it all comes together to form that bond, one built on the happiness we bring to each others lives.

      

Now, happiness in the relationship side of my life has been more recent; actually, this past Tuesday. The guy I'm interested in came over and we battled it out playing Mortal Kombat. Not exactly anything romantic, but strangely, it was not like playing with any other friend. In any case, I continue to get ahead of myself with my feelings. I mean, look at me... playing a video game is suddenly a bonding experience. HA!  And I know I am setting myself up only for disappointment; its how this part of my life has been going the past year. But like I said before, I am not one that can really ignore it. Although things are moving at a snail's pace, I suspect it is good for me. My past two relationships I jumped into very quickly after meeting them, and though neither one of them turned out all that bad, I think it's better to take my time and make sure I'm right for him and he's right for me. It saves a lot of heartache in the end. As much as I want this plane to head down the runway for take-off, I'd rather have it sit at the gate and be thoroughly inspected if there was any doubt about its ability to stay in the air.

Wow. Weird analogy. Although, it kind of makes sense.

In any case, every time I see him or talk about him I get that sense of happiness. Very few people have managed that in the past year. It's not something I can control; it just happens. I meet someone and I know almost immediately, "This has potential." I simply will not ignore that gut feeling. If I did, I could possibly lose out on something that could bring me happiness everyday of my life... and I don't want to miss out on something like that.