urbanTechnocrat

Winter blues are back

I'm writing this on my BlackBerry because I am not home yet; I am waiting at the bus stop in Brooklyn. And for some reason, I'm not in the best of moods and am on the verge of tears.

My first day back in the NYC office and everything was crazy. I initially started the day on the bright side leaving my apartment feeling rested and in a really good mood. That all quickly changed right after I stepped into the office. And things spiraled downward from there.

Tonight, around 730p, I started talking to a coworker about this project I was thrown on this morning and I started tearing up. The frustration of the day just built up. I thought these crazy days and long work hours were going to be over. Instead I left at 10p making today another 12 hour work day.

I walked from work on 26/Park to 14/8 through a bunch of people leaving the Halloween parade. Walking past some drunk straight guy who yelled "faggot" as I passed didn't help my mood any. The one upbeat moment of the night was running into a Candis Cayne performance at Tour. Her "Thriller" choreography is dead on to the video (no pun intended).

Anyway, its these annoying moods that get me thinking about other stuff, like the recent connection I thought I had in Boston this past week, or how exhausting my job is, how much weight I've lost after all of the hard work of putting it on, and the fact that next week I'll have been single for 3 years. I guess the winter blues are back to haunt me again this year. I'm sure if I went back in blog blog to last year around this time I'd most likely find a similar depressing entry.

Well, hopefully some upcoming trips will take the edge off of this winter blues period. Except I don't think they can come soon enough. I hope I'm not like this through to Thanksgiving. <sigh>

Running in Circles

I was actually having a good week... until about 3 hrs ago. It was then that I started getting information that, when put together, actually caused me a lot of disappointment.

I arrived on Saturday afternoon... making my way from the airport to Eric's place in Dorchester was a hike, but I got to take the Silver Line and see dead leaves on the ground. You don't really appreciate the changing of season's until you see the familiar sight of fallen leaves. We kept the dog entertained for the afternoon, but made our way to a Dorchester birthday party around 8p. By 9p, I was tipsy, but the party was amazing! Open cocktail and wine bar, food galore, and two cute waitresses serving up the goods.

The rest of the weekend was rather mellow, and Monday started the conference (which was amazing, but won't go into detail about it here because its too geeky). Monday night I made myself a new friend online that was going to come over Tuesday. He was someone that I had seen out and about in Boston before. And I even was briefly introduced to him at the birthday party on Saturday night through mutual friends of ours. That's kind of just how Boston works; you see everyone out and about and they end up knowing everyone you know. Its one reason I was so happy to move away from here. The following is the support for that decision. LOL!

I won't get into the details of the time spent hanging out with this handsome guy, but it was a REALLY good time. And, unfortunately, it was one of those times where I've met someone that I instantly like. This guy was causing my internal "I would love to date you" alarm to go off. Obviously, not going to happen since I don't live here, but it has been quite a while since I've had that alarm ringing; the feeling was quite nice. We continued talking the past few days and I made it clear that I wanted to see him again before I left. We were to meet out tonight at Club Cafe.

So, I spent the following evenings, including tonight, going to dinner and meeting up with some of my really good friends here that I haven't seen in some time. It was great to catch up with them, hear about all the stuff that's been going on. I often find I don't spend enough time keeping in touch with them, something I regret and something I hope to change. Living in a different city is not necessarily an excuse for lack of communication.

The disappointment for the week came this evening as things started to unfold about the guy from Tuesday. Unfold in the sense that I found out he has dated someone I am very close to and their relationship is still somewhat undefined. Well, defined insomuch as they aren't dating, but the emotional attachment there has never been broken.  Since we are both protective of him, we decided our plans for the evening were going to fizzle out for the sake of avoiding the hurt that could come as a result. While I was disappointed in not being able to spend time with him again, the decision we made was the best one for now.

And thus, another circle in Boston. The minute you think you're out of it, someone/something drags you back into it. Its not like I haven't run into circles in New York, but it happens so much in Boston that its getting ridiculous.

I'm going to bed in a much sadder mood tonight. <sigh> I'll probably blog more about that later.

Working late is American

Work has again been keeping me busy... this week looks like its shaping up to be a 50+ hour week. How terribly exciting. Well, actually, the project I am working on is cool, so I don't mind so much. And its only one project as opposed to the usual 7-10 I am working on each day so its easier to manage. Its just that the time line to build this thing was 8 business days. A little crazy if you ask me, but looks like we are shaping up to hit that mark.

So yeah... blog postings have been light this month because I'm too busy to have a personal life to talk about. Most of my weekends are spent inside working at home. Last Friday, I did manage to take a few hours after work and headed to drinks and dinner with Ken, Mike, Dereck, Mark, and John. We decided to do more group dinners; it was fun. It made me realize how much I miss my social life. LOL!

So what's coming up... well, I am headed to Boston next week for work; first to an AJAX conference and then into the office to say "hi" to some old peeps and, of course, to work. I'm trying to get out there a few days earlier to see some friends with the little free time that I'll have. Then, back Friday the 27th to prepare for Alegria on Sunday. Monday will be a nice day of relaxation and then back to the grind on Tuesday, HALLOWEEN!

And that's it... suddenly its becoming clearer that my life revolves around work. A friend of mine from Brazil, and working in NYC, said to me the other day at lunch that he likes working late. It makes him feel successful, like an American. I thought that was a rather interesting comment. As an American, I don't necessarily feel that way; I'd rather have the European work/vacation plan. LOL!

Oblivious

I never really noticed this while I lived in Boston. Perhaps I was oblivious then, as well. But I've come to notice, while in a reflective state, that I have become one of two things: (1) completely oblivious to my surroundings and (2) unaffected by things that I do notice. Read on for examples.

About 3 weeks ago or so I found myself in the vicinity of the WTC while waiting for Robert and Stephen to make it downtown. This was the day I took that beautiful photo of 7 WTC. Anyway, while I was standing there taking photos there was a man apparently telling someone to move out of the way. He was whistling and snapping. I, of course, was ignoring him. So much so, in fact, that even though he was speaking English, it was all just muted tones. The roar of the city traffic and the tourists was enough to keep him background noise. Problem was that he was talking to me because I was standing in the middle of the Hilton's active garage exit. He had to physically come and tap me on the shoulder before I even realized he was directing all of that sound towards me.

And tonight, at Boston Market (a typical stop on the way back from the gym) I had just finished paying for my meal and was headed to the drink station. I happened to catch some movement out of the corner of my eye near the floor. Turning and focusing I saw a little mouse scampering across the tiled floor of the restaurant pausing every few feet, as mice do, and then making a mad dash. Instead of being disgusted, I actually thought it was cute. And then I rationalized its existence in the restaurant as a product of being in the city and say down and ate my dinner. I don't even know where the little guy ended up.

Is this what happens when you live in a city? Or only New York City?

I kind of feel like if it was Boston, or Albany, or even LA that I would have been more turned off by the presence of a mouse in a fast food joint. Here its almost expected. Or maybe because of all of the other things going on in the city, the world, and life the mouse is relatively unimportant. Who knows? What I do know is becoming oblivious and carefree keeps my stress level at a minimum.